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Wants Romance-Not Just "Roll in the Hay"

Trissa writes...

Dear Advice Sisters: "I know that I'm lucky to have a good man like Ralph. He is helpful, kind, considerate and honest. The thing is, we've been dating for almost a year now, and it upsets me that Ralph's idea of romance is a "roll in the hay." Old-fashioned romance (E.g. flowers, candlelight dinners, and long walks in the country) is very important to me. No matter how I try to get Ralph to see that "courting" is something I really want and need, he just says he "tries" to make me happy and seems baffled when I act frustrated. He didn't even understand when I burst into tears on my birthday when he bought me a breadmaker instead of the necklace I'd been hinting for. I don't want to give Ralph up but I can't get him to budge in the romance department! Can the two of you give me any ideas?

I am always amazed at how many well-meaning men really misunderstand what a woman wants. Then again, it's an age-old question that never seems to get answered. Perhaps it's just the fact that different things seem to motivate men and women in the romance department.

Some men and women are about what will make their mates happy....even when they're told specifically what is being requested and needed! If men (and women) only realized how incredibly easy (and fun) it is to "romance" their mate they'd all be doing it--all the time!

Most men, I think, don't come by the "moonlight and roses" kind of romance naturally. I think perhaps this comes from indoctrination at any early age that "real men" aren't supposed to be interested in things such as flowers and candlelight. Men who believe this pretend that such things are silly and "only for chicks."

Ralph might just be a rare holdout who isn't generous enough to oblige your needs even though he knows how much romance means to you. However, you said that Ralph is helpful, kind and considerate, so I assume he basically does want to please you. It might just be that Ralph really doesn't have a clue how to create romance, but would be more willing to try it if he felt confident that he wouldn't make a fool of himself. For now, you will be the one who has to set the romantic mood, and "teach" Ralph how to make romance an important part of your relationship.

BE SPECIFIC! Men feel most comfortable with things they can "do" and that they don't have to guess at.  Give Ralph a sense of the kinds of things you wish and hope he will do for you. Acknowledge that you realize these kinds of romantic gestures don't  come naturally to him, but it would please you so much if he would try.

Don't be surprised if he doesn't get everything exactly right the first time around. If he brings you a potted plant of tulips instead of a dozen roses wrapped in ribbon, thank him for the thought and then make it clear that next time, the latter would be more traditional for the romantic soul.

Readers: these are just a few  ideas   to enhance romance. Do you have some favorites of your own? Share them with THE ADVICE SISTERS at advicesisters@advicesisters.net/ They may appear at a future date.

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Take #2:

You may have a "tough case" when it comes to the love and romance department with Ralph...but you also have a man who cares for you.  If you want him to be romantic, however,  you're going to have to teach him what romance means to you. !

Lesson One:  Write Ralph a perfumed "love note" requesting Ralph's presence at a perfectly romantic dinner this weekend. Request that he dress for dinner, This means more than just a clean shirt and a pair of jeans-- or specify exactly what --and how much--you want him to wear. Plan your dinner "a deux" complete with candles and flowers and a beautifully set table. This dinner is not your average "pizza and beer in front of the television" fete!  Serve erotic delicacies such as  oysters, champagne, strawberries and whipped cream... without any spoons).  You can even supply some edible beauty delights (our What Works Column will have the latest). Get some scented candles and a scent that matches for your sheets. Wear something provocative and sensual but not overly sexy or trashy. You can't go wrong with red --   the color of love that also makes pulses involuntarily race!  Try velvet or satin, or a flowing fabric that feels soft to the touch like cashmere or angora. Select soft, romantic music to play quietly in the background (instead of that usual heavy metal rock he plays that drowns out conversation). Don't race through dinner. It's a good bet that Ralph's engine will be revved-up, but he still might not get the idea that   being romantic is more than saying: "Hey Baby, let's do it!"

If your romantic dinner still doesn't teach Ralph the message that you want slow and sensual, not quick and dirty, don't get angry:   Calmly explain that most women (especially you) really enjoy it when the mood is "set" for romance. If he says he doesn't need gimmicks to get in the mood with you, gently but firmly explain that women are different. Remind him that people are different, and you really need the kind of romantic atmosphere that you have tried to provide tonight.

The next day you might say: "last night was really wonderful and I'd really love it if we could do something like that again soon." Suggest to Ralph that while he doesn't have to always romance you on a grand scale, you would be so happy if he'd sometimes take the initiative --.maybe bringing home someflowers occasionally or doing another candlelight dinner (even if the nect one is less fancy).

Here are some inexpensive ideas  to suggest to an unromantic partner until they get some ideas of their own to delight you with:

1. Light the flames of passion. Candles, scented or not, are a seductive way to relax and enjoy the end of the day when the sun has set. The soft, flickering light makes any room romantic.

2.Flowers are the gift of love! Even one beautiful rose, or an inexpensive bouquet shows you care. Men like getting flowers, too!

3. Clean up your "digs." This helps set the mood for a more romantic time...at least in the room that "counts!"

4. Food and love go hand in hand. the scene! Put a blanket on the floor and have an impromptu "picnic" without the hungry ants...or eat entirely by candlelight. Serve dessert topped with one of those cans of whipped cream...and don't put it back in the fridge!

5. If you live near water, why not take a day trip to "nowhere" or a dinner boat cruise? Even a round-trip jaunt on the local ferry can be romantic with the right person. Don't forget to take bread to feed the seagulls!

6. Draw a bath full of bubbles that you can share after a hard day at work. Light a candle, sip some wine, and soon, romance will be on your mind!

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