JESSICA'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER JESSICA’S TAKE:

Tact is great, but truth is stronger. I am so tired of friends telling me they wished they'd had the guts to say something before a close friend went blissfully marching down the aisle with a certifiable creep! As someone who has helped pick up the pieces of shattered friends after unhappy love affairs far too often, I am an advocate of telling the absolute truth of situation you perceive....even if it's not what the friend may want to hear.

A best friend knows you'd never say or do anything to hurt her just to be mean. Your friend is free to ignore you, but a "truth" from a close friend is one I'd take a long hard look at if I was on the other end of the situation. You can only hope your friend feels the same about you. It takes courage, but if you offer the "bad news" in a kind way, your friend will not hold it against you and might take a closer look at what she's doing.

You say you've only met this new boyfriend once. Why not soften your approach a bit by making sure you have all the facts about this new man before you give your friend anything other than your immediate first reaction to him, which could be changed. Ask to go out with them again and get to know him a bit better. Also, the next time she tells you about how she is in love with Dennis, consider asking questions about the relationship that are designed to make her think about some of the issues involved. ("Have you considered that he has two kids who live with him? How do you feel about being a step-mom?"). If your friend is smart, the danger zones will reveal themselves in your questions. She may go home and think a bit more carefully about whether she's really "in love" or just practicing for the real thing!

ALISON'S TAKE:

ADVICE SISTER ALISON’S TAKE:

In most cases I believe that really good friends need to be as honest as possible with one another, but there are times when total honesty isn't appreciated or effective. In this case, telling your friend that her new relationship isn't "love" may earn you the future right to say: "I told you so" but it won't bring you any closer to your friend. Personally, I believe that in almost every case, real love takes time to develop. However, sometimes the most improbable couples fall in love in the least likely ways. If after three weeks your friend thinks she is in love, she isn't going to listen to you. Think back to the times you felt you were in love...could anyone have convinced you differently? You may want to be a good Samaritan, but if you insist on bursting your friend's fluffy cloud, you'll be the one left out in the cold. If the couple really is in love and stays together, you may even lose a friend.

Don't get the idea that I'm advocating "going along" with what she says to make her happy, because you wouldn't be a decent friend to support a relationship you think is really a bad one, but it IS possible for you to be supportive without affirming her choice as the right one, or conversely, telling her she's making a huge mistake. A better approach would be to put a positive spin on the relationship and demonstrate how you're acting in her best interests to keep her new relationship strong. Three weeks is a very short period of time for a couple to decide they are "in love" but it is not entirely out of the range of possibility that the relationship between your friend and Dennis could somehow really be just that. I would re-affirm my dedication to the friendship you two share, and express happiness for her and her new boyfriend. If she pressed, you should not go overboard with praise (he obviously isn't the dreamboat you think she ought to have), but tone down the negativity for the now. Later, if asked, you can send the message that you think he's not "her type" and start pointing out the specific problems you see the two of them facing in the future if she sticks with him. Meanwhile, you want your friend to realize that you are not against him, but you're just much more on her side! Suggest that she will develop a more lasting love if she doesn't rush it so fast. Real love only grows stronger with the waiting, because neither part of the couple wants to miss a thing!

Your heart is clearly in the right place, but as much as you'd like to, you can't save your friend from herself.. Whether the relationship with Dennis turns out to be a good one or a bad one, the best thing you can do is continue to be a friend and offer support in good times and bad. Also, give your friend some credit. Perhaps she sees something in this man that you can't see. Just because you think he's not right for her doesn't mean it is true. The chances are that if this man turns out to be a toad, she'll throw him back in the dating pond. You won't have to say: "I told you so"...just run over with the Ben & Jerry's...and two spoons. That's what friends are for!